Hi, my name is Kendel and I’m on Tinder.
Being single in 2017 is a minefield or one never-ending game of the floor is lava. Being on Tinder doesn’t make it any easier.
I have been on Tinder for much, much longer than I am proud of. I enjoy the ego boost from being super liked and speaking to men entirely through GIFs. However, I do not like getting messages about nudes or receiving surprise dick pics.
Unfortunately, Tinder has become known as the land of dick pics and nudes. (Or maybe I’m speaking to the wrong men.) Want to know who I’ve met?
He is one shady, shady dude. He will also be shirtless and you won’t find a photo of his face. Anywhere. His bio will say something about wanting some ‘fun’ or that you have to be ‘discreet’. You know, because he has a wife and children at home. Steer clear of this guy. You’ll end up heart-broken with a STD and a label as ‘the other woman’.
I have written about The Fuckboy on several occasions. I have a bit of experience when it comes to fuckboys. Unfortunately. The Fuckboy is on Tinder for one reason only. Sex. And a lot of it. You can guarantee he has a roster and you’re going to be the one to fill his Friday night (and Saturday morning – ayo) spot. His bio will say something about wanting to have some ‘no strings fun’. Translation: You will be getting a text message from me at 2am, and you better be okay with it. Just don’t expect anything more than a “Eyyy bby, you want some fuck?” message from him. He is the one you go for if you need to get over someone (hello, rebound sex!) or if you have a free spot in your roster too (because females have needs too).
The ‘I Just Really Want to Meet You’ Guy
He is another version of The Clingy Guy, you know, if I had to put a label on him. It starts off fine, but he quickly turns into a puppy that insists on following you. Everywhere. Across multiple platforms. I don’t know how many times I got the “I just want to meet you” message from this dude, and you know what? It didn’t make me want to meet him. At all. Pro tip: If you want to keep your conversations to just Tinder then don’t link your Instagram account (or blog or Snapchat) to your profile.
The Dog Guy
This one is hard to define because 90% of men on Tinder have a dog photo. I’m convinced they approach random people just so they can take a snap then claim the dog as their own. That’s right, I’m on to you, ‘Mr. Fluffy Is My Best Friend’ Guy. I might have swiped right on several people just because they had a heckin’ cute dog. I mean, a white german shepherd? Sign me up! Husky? I’m here for it. Dalmatian? Yes, please. However, don’t get sucked in by the fluffy face because the guy is definitely a fuckboy.
This guy is guaranteed to have a bio stating that he’s over here from London. If you skipped the bio, you can usually figure it out from his photos. You know, because a photo of Big Ben is usually enough to scream ‘foreign’. He’s usually travelling the country, so he’s guaranteed to have a different girl in every town. Now the question is this: Do you want to be one of them? Are his photos of his Big Ben good enough to make you want to drop your panties?
There will be a photo of him with a baby. He claims that it is his niece. It isn’t his niece. Who can resist a guy with a baby? He’s cute. The ‘niece’ is cute. Go ahead, swipe right.
*The Perfect Guy