Making friends as an adult is hard.
Add a baby to the mix.
Now you’re convinced that you’re going to be stuck at home forever and you’ve developed a ‘baby voice’ that you don’t know how to turn off. You’re covered in vomit, wee, and your diaper bag of ‘essentials’ resembles something you pack for an apocalypse (and that shit is heavy).
If you took any antenatal classes, you would have been grouped with women who had due dates close to your own.
During the classes, you waddle around playing games, learning way more about your boobs than ever before, and discussing the horrors of an episiotomy and pooping yourself during labour. You oooh and aaah over each other’s perfectly round bellies and then get annoyed as you see photo after photo of new babies while your bladder is still being used as a trampoline. After your own little love demon arrives, you forget about everyone else for about six weeks.
Eventually, you emerge from the newborn haze and you’re desperate for someone – anyone – who is on the same page as you.
Cue the coffee group.
It is made up of the same women from your antenatal group and their real live babies. You know, the very people who made you decide that trying nipple stimulation might be a good idea. Anything to induce labour and all that.
Wisely, you decided to forgo telling them that tidbit and accept the invitation to get out of the house. For once.
You pack the diaper bag, have a coffee to trick yourself into thinking you’re awake and a functioning adult, wipe the baby sick off your shirt (again) and trudge off into town. You’re about to enter the world of poo conversations, (more) nipples, and screaming babies.
Are you ready?
THE RELAXED MUM
This mum throws her baby on the ground without a blanket, lets him put everything in his mouth, and shrugs when he insists on licking the dog. Kids will be kids, right? She’ll be likely to leave her baby half-naked on the change mat for one second too long and laugh as she gets peed on. Again. Crying babies don’t freak her out and she seems to be a bit of a baby whisperer.
This mum seems a bit too relaxed, but she is all over it. One baby? No problem. Two babies? She’s got it. Heck, she could probably start her own daycare and still have time to drink a hot coffee. Any time she wants. Her life can appear to be a bit chaotic at times, but it works. Nothing is ever a problem and you wish you could borrow her mentality. Or, you know, trade lives for a week so she can see the shit you have to deal with.
THE ORGANIC MUM
The organic mum judges you for everything. Feel eyes on you one day? You can guarantee that it’s her. Oh hell yes, put that refined white sugar in your coffee. Smile as she drinks her green tea and stares longingly at the pile of sugar-laden brownies on the table.
She will only use baby products that use natural ingredients or she will make her own. She won’t vaccinate her baby because the internet told her not to do it and she will ~*judge you*~ for formula feeding your child. She breastfeeds her child for a year and a half, co-sleeps and is a huge advocate for baby led weaning. She makes her own baby food and stares you down when you whip out the baby pudding. Again.
The organic mum means well, but she can be a bit overbearing with her opinion. She can make you second guess your own parenting choices (ew), but she ultimately makes you a better person (and mum). And you can never hate her for that. Hell, you might even make your own baby food. You know, one day.
THE HOT MUM
Um, she has a baby? Are you sure?
This mum arrives five minutes before the agreed time, fits her jeans two weeks after giving birth, and totters around on heels whilst looking after her six month old. She’s hitting the gym after a month and always has a full-face of make up.
She makes this having a baby thing appear to be so easy that you hate her. Just a little bit. She’s always complimenting everyone on their hair (messy), make up (none), and their clothes (a shirt stained with baby puke). She makes you all feel good about yourselves and you swear that some of her ~*sparkle*~ rubs off on you in the few hours that you’re together. I guess you don’t hate her that much after all.
THE MOTHERLY MUM
She’s the one who told you about the coffee group in the first place. You know, since you forgot about it. She starts the Facebook group chat and is the first one to start talking about the next meet up. She makes you feel comfortable and knows the answer to everything. She always has the best selection of biscuits, makes time to talk to everyone in the group, and knows how to make a wicked cup of coffee. If you know what I mean.
She is just nice. She is the one who makes you want to come back for coffee every week. You don’t care that having a baby is the only thing you have in common. You’ll keep popping out more babies if it means that you can spend more time with this incredible woman!
THE PANICKED MUM
She seems constantly stressed, arrives late and leaves early, and jumps every time her baby makes a noise. You’re convinced she’s mildly scared of her own human. She looks at the label of everything (like the organic mum), but doesn’t know that the ingredients mean. This means to a Google search and a trip to the dark side of the internet. She’s in several Facebook groups and always asks them medical questions before going to the doctor. She’s choosing to delay vaccinations and reads everything on the internet about the topic.
She stresses you out so much that you want to give her a hug and tell her that everything is going to be alright. Or buy her a giant bottle of wine. Panic isn’t contagious, right? The bottle of wine is probably safer.