Back in the good ol’ days, all you had to do was scribble a note and wait for your crush to circle yes or no. We all knew that you never included a ‘maybe’ option. That was a kiss of death and almost always sent you to the dreaded friend-zone. That being said, majority of my high school relationships included sitting awkwardly next to each other, walking with a metre gap between us, and maybe holding hands if we were feeling really frisky. Peak romance.
These days you have to worry about Tinder, the optimal time for sex so you aren’t perceived as a slut or frigid, and if doing butt stuff will send you to hell. (It does. Don’t do it.) I’ve been single for a year, and it feels like the dating game has changed. Tinder (and other dating apps) have a lot to answer for when it comes to these changes. Everything is so accessible that it seems all effort has gone out the window. Now, we have to worry about things like ghosting, zombieing, and kittenfishing.
I mean, kittenfishing. Really?
The person who coins these terms deserves a medal.
Once upon a time, we only had to worry about whether our underwear matched or, you know, if the person we were dating had some kind of crazy sex dungeon back at his place. Now we have to worry about our matching (or not, in my case) underwear, the possibility of a sex dungeon, being flexible af (for those crazy sex moves), and whether or not he’s just going to ghost us at the end of the day (because we weren’t flexible enough for the sex moves and we did break our little toe).
What a time to be alive.
I mean, dating is complicated enough as it is. Why don’t we add some new terms to confuse the heck out of everyone? (You know, because we aren’t paranoid enough as it is.)
Sounds like a great idea.
Haven’t convinced your lady friend (or male friend) that you’re a complete asshole yet? This is the way to do it. Ghosting is the act of cutting off all communication with the person you’ve been
hoping to sleep with dating. You go from cute “Good morning” messages to absolutely nothing. Zero. The person is left looking at an empty notification screen and wondering what they did wrong. Want to give a female a complex? Ghost her. I’ve heard people use ghosting as a way to ‘let someone down easy’ because they didn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings by telling the truth.
Ghosting is not the answer to your problems. Man up and tell the truth. Tell her that you love seeing photos of her cats, but you’d rather see a photo of her boobs instead. (Jokes. Please don’t be that guy…or girl. We don’t like them either.) Tell her that you like talking to her, but please leave her ex-boyfriend (or any male/female that isn’t you) out of the conversation. Tell her that the freaky sex move was just a bit too freaky for your liking. You feel me?
Just communicate. Do you want to be the guy that she bitches about because you couldn’t be honest or do you want to be the one honest guy in a sea of asshats? (And trust me, there are a lot of asshats out there.)
Did you die and come back to life with some Twilight-esque fanfare? Welcome to zombieing.
This is the extreme form of ghosting, and not unlike a game of whack-a-mole. Maybe you were talking to someone and they slowly faded from your life. Eventually you assume they must have died because you were having such a great conversation about your cats. You (and your hoard of cats) move on with your life. Only – weeks or months later – to have this person send you a text out of the blue.
Welcome to zombieing.
This zombie could be toying with your emotions for the hell of it (you know, because they’re super horny) OR they genuinely miss you and want to rekindle an old flame. You are the only one who can make that judgement call – and it all depends on your quality of conversation before they ‘died’.
Please ask yourself if the conversation (or sex) was good enough before you go balls deep with this person again. It does take guts (or a few vodkas) to reach out to someone from your past, so don’t be all cynical and cut them off at the knees. Or do.
The choice is yours.
The name seems innocent enough, right? It has the word kitten in it. Nothing can be too bad if it involves kittens, right? Nope. You are wrong.
Kittenfishing is the younger, cuter sibling of the big, bad catfishing.
Maybe you shave a few years off your age (or add them on if you’re a male – trust me). Maybe you drop a few kilograms from your weight. (You know, because we all start a conversation with how much we weigh.) Maybe you add a few inches to your height or other…appendages. And, yes, we can tell. Ahem.
Kittenfishing is when you embellish the truth to make yourself look really, really good to ‘hook’ a girl (or boy). Instead of telling one big lie, you tell a bunch of white lies or half-truths. You know, which is just as bad. In case you were wondering.
If you have to lie about something or create a story to make yourself sound interesting then maybe you shouldn’t be dating. I know we’ve all done it at some stage, but you can’t base a relationship on lies.
Because, you know, keeping up with all the lies is hard. And makes you an asshat.
Don’t be that guy (or girl).
Go on that date. Get naked with that person. Send cute ‘Good morning’ messages and Snapchat messages with stupid filters. Do whatever you want, whenever you want.
(But, you know, don’t be a dick.)