We’re all looking for ‘The One’, right?
Well, I’ve come up with a list of men that you will date. But, girl, they definitely aren’t ‘The One’. Believe me.
Maybe you met him at a club. Maybe you met him at your friend’s house. All I know for sure is this relationship is all about sex. When you can have sex. Where you can have sex. How many times you can have sex in one night. The type of sex that makes you blush and get weak at the knees when you think about it. You get feelings. He doesn’t reciprocate. You split up for a while. Until you get a call in the middle of the night. You can almost guarantee that it will be him. Somehow you end up back in his bed and you’re trying a freaky new position he made up. It takes two minutes before you know he saw it whilst watching porn, and you’re convinced you broke your little toe. He is the one who has made it blatantly obvious that he is just using you (or you are using each other – I should say) for the sole purpose of making himself (yourselves) feel gooooood.
They’re only good for one thing. Eventually they stop being good at that too. That’s when you say goodbye and invest in a decent vibrator. Treat yourself and all that.
Mr. Commitment Phobe
I think the name says it all. You will date, but you won’t date at the same time. You will do everything that a normal couple does, but he will balk when it comes to calling you his girlfriend. You’re suddenly ‘just hanging out’ or ‘good friends’, which everyone knows is a blatant lie and you fuck like rabbits every second you get. They also know that he takes you on dates, but then convinces you they weren’t dates. You never quite know where you stand with him, but you hang around because he is a good person (deep down) and a good lay. He’s a bit of a fuckboy, but you like the illusive ‘can’t pin him down’ vibe. Unless that’s what he likes. Ayoooo. Get it girl.
The Clingy One
He never lasts very long. He starts off by sending you a message or two. They’re usually cute messages. He’s usually a cute guy. Very eager to please. It only takes a date (or two) to realise that he is actually a puppy in a human body. Always at your heels and eager for attention. Worried about double texting? You don’t have to think about it twice with this guy! He will send you multiple messages over multiple platforms just to make sure you got his message about his other message(s). He is a stage five clinger. He’s the one you turn to if you need a bit of a boost because he will always be there and he will worship you. Dumping him always sucks, but staying with him won’t do you any favours. Enjoy the multiple orgasms then run. Fast.
The Nice Fuckboy
He is a tricky fucker. He is the guy that everyone warns you about, but you end up falling for him anyway. You hang out at his house. You meet his friends. He might even cook you a meal (or two) if you’re really lucky. It lasts a while longer. You go out on dates. It lasts a while longer. He somehow convinces you that butt stuff is a good time. For you. We all know that is a blatant lie. You still don’t really know where you stand, but you don’t bring it up because you’ve done butt stuff. Surely that means you’re going steady now.
He makes you feel amazing when you’re together, but leave you absolutely crushed when you’re alone. He isn’t rude to you and doesn’t set any expectations or make wild promises. Yet, you still end up disappointed. You might convince yourself that he has just had a bad experience (and he probably has) and that deserves another chance. You try again. And again. And again. And suddenly it’s a year and a half later and you’re still trying to convince yourself that butt stuff is a good time.
My advice: Buy a vibrator and run. He is not a guy you want to date.
Better yet: Convince him that you need to ‘spice things up’ and then run. You know, once you’ve managed to secure the fanciest vibrator money can buy (all thanks to the nice fuckboy, of course).
The Unavailable One
Ah, Mr. Unavailable. I’m sure we’ve all met one. Maybe we are Mr (or Mrs) Unavailable for another person. He might be emotionally unavailable, literally unavailable, or married. Hopefully not the last one. Whichever he may be, it never ends well.
Maybe there’s a bit of flirtation. Maybe a date or two. It doesn’t take long for you both to realise that it has the potential to be fun, but that it will end in disaster. You’re most likely to end up as friends who talk on Facebook (a lot) and meet up in person a couple of times a year.
He’s generally a good dude. He’s just not good for you.
The Older Man
I don’t mean someone who is a couple of days, months or years older than you. I mean someone who makes people raise their eyebrows when they see you together. There is nothing more hilarious than seeing people trying to figure out if you’re related or not. It gets even better when they realise you aren’t his daughter or niece.
Ultimately, it’s all a power play. And it swings both ways. I’ve met men who want to be dominant and I’ve met men who want to be dominated. Who would say no to taking control of a thirty year old man? It can make for an interesting dynamic.
This relationship usually only works if both of you are on the exact same page. If the page happened to be in a different chapter in a different bloody book. Sometimes the man is too stuck in his ways. Sometimes the girl is too immature. Sometimes he is ready to settle down, while she is just starting to feel like she is getting on top of the crippling student debt. Sometimes he wants to have kids in a year. Sometimes he doesn’t want to have kids ever.
There’s always some form of compromise.
Sometimes you get tired of compromising on what you want for a man who is too set in his ways. Go out and find yourself a young one.
The Younger Man
This is the man who is only a year or two younger than you. However, we all know that males are slightly immature. One year is more like a two or three year age gap in girl years. Two years are more like five. I don’t even want to explain what it must be like to have a five year age gap. It is not promising when it comes to girl years.
I think the allure of a younger guy is the notion that he is trainable. Seriously? Do you really want to house train a puppy? Or do you want a dog that has been around just long enough to learn a few really good tricks?
Ask yourself that when you’re in bed with someone who thinks ramming two fingers up there will do the job. It doesn’t. Neither does the five minutes of actual sex. Sorry boys.
Just skip this one and go straight to buying yourself a decent vibrator. You’ll be doing yourself a favour…or ten.
He’s the ‘bad boy’ who has just enough charisma to convince you to drop your panties, even though he crashed his car again. Even though he asks you for money to buy cigarettes. Even though he thinks it’s acceptable to smack your ass whilst walking down a crowded street. In the middle of the day. He’ll also think day-drinking is an acceptable activity and that sex is all about him.
I hope I don’t have to tell you that it never is. Run, just run.
The Fixer Upper
Because who can keep themselves from a good project?
You’ll invest a lot of time in this relationship, only for it to go up in flames when he meets his ‘One’. And it will very rarely be you. Because who needs a ‘thank you’, right?
Somehow, the relationship becomes all about him. We all know that doesn’t bode well for females because we are needy creatures at heart. No, not really. We do like a few things to be about us though. For example: our birthday, compliments, and oral sex.
Do yourself a favour and find yourself a boy who will shower you with love and affection. And go down on you without you having to ask (or reciprocate).
Not included in the count because he seems to be a fucking unicorn. Not convinced he actually exists. I will update this post if I happen to
catch find him.