13th June 2016
Wow, I feel like crap.
There really isn’t any other way to describe it. I feel like I’m hungover and been hit by a bus at the same time. I know it’s too early for the pregnancy ‘glow’ but I’m very sceptical about the whole thing right now. I don’t think it’s going to happen for me.
I found out that I’m pregnant exactly three days ago. On 18th June 2016. It was my best friend’s birthday. Part of me can’t believe I actually just wrote that sentence. I can’t be pregnant…Can I? It just doesn’t feel real yet.
You know, if you ignore the feeling like about sh*t 100% of the time.
My boobs hurt.
I cry about nothing.
I hate coffee.
I’m so hungry. All the time.
It’s as though some switch has been flipped inside my head and everything has changed. My body doesn’t feel like my body anymore. It feels rather bizarre to know that there’s something or someone growing inside me right now. People are looking at me and they don’t realise that my whole life has changed. For the better or worse? I really don’t know.
I never thought I was going to have kids. In fact, I told my mum three months before that I will not be having children ever and if it did happen then it would be one of those ‘oh, hello!’ moments. This is definitely one of those. I had no idea how my whole worldview would change as soon as I found out that I was pregnant.
I’m absolutely terrified…but protective. Already.
I’ve told a few of my friends, but I haven’t been able to tell my family or my partner. Not yet. I haven’t had a moment to catch my breath. I’m definitely not ready for the tears and awkward conversations the ‘Hey, I’m pregnant!’ conversation will bring about. Not yet.
I took three pregnancy tests before I called the doctor for an appointment. They had me do another pregnancy test before they gave me a stack of paper and some prescriptions. I got them filled and then I got stabbed with needles so they could draw blood. I guess I should get used to that.
Writing this has been hard because I’m still in shock.
Part of me can’t believe that I’m actually writing these words down.
Part of me is freaking out.
Part of me is completely numb.
I feel like a zombie. I probably look like one too.
I’m going to be a mum.