Once upon a time, I was scared of being alone.
I think a few people would have read that line and laughed or shook their heads. They know me as the independent (probably a bit too independent) person that I am today. However, there was a time when I was absolutely terrified of being alone. I would jump from relationship to relationship to avoid that feeling of being lonely. It worked. For a while.
One day, I woke up and looked at the person lying next to me. He wasn’t a bad person. He wasn’t an overly good one either. He wasn’t someone who challenged me. He wasn’t someone who was going to walk away from me. He wasn’t someone who scared me. He wasn’t someone who was going to hurt me. He wasn’t someone I could fall in love with either.
He wasn’t someone I could fall in love with.
I think that’s what got me the most.
Now, am I looking for the white picket fence fantasy?
Maybe one day in the very distant future. Does that mean that I need to have that potential with every person that I date? No, I don’t. You meet someone and you can figure out if you have chemistry in five seconds. It’s just something that you can feel. You can’t force it. You can have amazing chemistry, but know that the relationship is going nowhere. You can really like the person and have great chemistry, but still know that the relationship is going nowhere.
That is what scares me.
Being in a dead-end relationship and missing out on someone great is one of my biggest fears.
I just don’t want to end up in one of those ‘how the hell did we get here?’ type of relationships. I have had a few of them before.
The person is great. The chemistry is great. You genuinely like being around them. You have fun. You get into a routine (of sorts). Days slide by, and weeks, and months. You get comfortable. One day, you wake up knowing that it isn’t going to end well, but you keep going anyway.
That is one fear. It turns out that I have two
because I am an overachiever.
Sometimes being single sucks. Like, really sucks. You find someone who can make it suck less for a little while. You know, because you actually like them and you end up dating. A while ago, I was dating someone. He was (and still is) great. I was falling for him…until I panicked and ran
because I am an idiot, apparently. We’re friends now. My mother was less than thrilled when I was dating this particular man. She was scared about me missing ‘The Real One’. She had her reasons for being concerned, and I had my reasons for ignoring them.
All I know is what I want and what I don’t want. At the time, the person I was with was exactly what I wanted.
I want to be with someone who excites me. I want to be with someone that I want to see every day. I want to be with someone who makes me want to be a better person. I want to be with someone who challenges me. I want to be with someone who can make me feel special. I could probably go on and on, but I’m going to stop myself here 😉
Like I said, I panicked and ran. I would say that this is the only time that it has happened…but it isn’t. Unfortunately.
Being in a dead-end relationship is a big fear of mine, but I think really falling for someone is one of my biggest fears, too.