Well, I have another guest post from my very super mega favourite guest blogger in the history of the world. Can you guess who I’m talking about yet? 😉 I’m talking about my friend and all things in-between, Eddie. It turns out that another guest post gave him inspiration for this piece, so that person should feel like a superhero for having such an influence on him!
First kudos to the last guest poster “On Letting Go“, your words hit me very, very hard and plucked on a few heart-strings of mine. Admit it readers, I bet all of you felt something didn’t you? Be honest now.
Well, if you were one of those like myself who did feel that sting then here’s some follow-up, and by no means is this exclusive territory of girls either. Us guys have hearts too and they hurt as well.
First I agree with every single word that was written by the previous poster even I don’t know her name 😥
I could describe just such a journey myself but the details are mostly the same and the results too. This is a reinforcer for such an important subject but I know deep down that no amount of words will help or change the feelings or make the process even slightly easier. It’s something that one has to transition through, the pain and everything, all of it.
In just this way I found myself standing alongside the previous poster, I missed my friend more than anything. I saw her every day, I hadn’t changed, from what I saw of how she interacted with others neither had she.
What changed was us, we were no longer partners and no longer even friends. We were simply nothing and unless you’ve been here I can tell you that being simply nothing hurts more than anything. Even a random person had more with her than I did, after all we’d been through together. It’s the lowest demotion you can experience in your entire life.
In the same way I tried everything to reignite our open conversation and regain some trace of friendship but to no avail. That ship had sailed taking a large piece of my heart as its cargo.
The more I saw her and her closed expression likened my situation to being a zombie film. No matter what I felt or however much I loved in vain, it was not, and never would be enough to bring this shell of a person back again. I could have spent my entire life in a state of captive loss staring at this living yet dead body, all for nothing.
So it wasn’t her, but me. I clipped my own wings and broke my own heart. No matter how many times you bang your head against that wall it’ll never turn into a door, it just hurts a little more with each frustrated impact. The pain wasn’t coming from her, she let go of the rubber band first, I got the pain and I wouldn’t let it heal by wanting what simply didn’t exist any longer.
All those feelings in vain, both of us still alive and nearby yet so far away and would always remain that way. Small conversations appeared but like the poster before, all one-sided and devoid of any character or closeness. Polite small talk, containing little to nothing. Dead yet unburied and I couldn’t bring myself to let go and pick up the shovel to do the only thing remaining, cover the grave and walk away.
In the end it came down to this and this alone. You don’t let go and walk away because you don’t love someone any longer, you do it because they don’t love you any more.
And I really wish this were as easy to do as it is to write. In every step along that path both me and the previous poster took we will both have known and told ourselves that we had to just let go and move on. And that made it so much easier didn’t it?
No, not at all, not even slightly.
So to that poster who I actually shed a tear for after reading (genuinely I really did), have a huge hug on me. Doesn’t that hurt like all hell and I know you’ll never be the same again like I won’t be.
Same advice in the end, let go, be free and grow again. Do whatever it takes to get there but don’t hold on and don’t go back or even wish for it. The slightest trace of a friendship will never ever compensate for your loss, it’ll never be enough because it’ll never be the same as it was, ever. This took me too long to actually truly understand, and I mean deep down understand to my very heart.
The zombie standing across the room will never be the person they were before, however much you loved them, there’s simply no coming back from that.