Blank.

Once upon a time, I wrote anything I wanted on this blog. Kind of. I felt like I could write anything on my blog, and that was beautiful. It gave me hope when I clicked onto the ‘new post’ tab and stared at this blank page. I didn’t feel like I had to filter myself as much as I do these days.

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That face pretty much explains my attitude towards blogging or any kind of ‘ing’ at the moment. I used to love coming here and sharing my thoughts, but now it has become daunting. I have been careful of my word choices and of the content that I have (or haven’t) shared on here. Nothing has come out the way I’ve wanted it to and I have become hyper aware that “real life people” know about my blog. It is so weird…and good but mainly weird. I feel like this whole blog has become an extension of myself. I give everyone an unfiltered glimpse into my brain when I press the ‘publish’ button. That is scary.

I don’t know what possessed me to share this blog with my friends. I honestly don’t. I had kept my whole life separate from this little blog of mine. I was really good at it until I decided to start dropping the “Oh, I have a blog” line into my everyday conversations. I was convinced that no one would pay attention to that fact, but they did. I thought people wouldn’t pay attention to the odd button showing up on Pinterest, but they did. I thought people wouldn’t pay attention to things being published on Google+, but they did.

Slowly, day-by-day, my friends began finding my blog. Heck, some of them even made blogs of their own. Honestly, I think that’s awesome. I love the fact that they made blogs of their own. I love the fact that people found my blog. Through some genius move, I decided to create a Facebook page for my blog and more people found the blog. A little part of me thought the Facebook page was a little too intense for my liking, and I ended up deleting it last week.

I don’t know if it’s because people I know are reading my blog, because I have so much that I want to say, or  because I have nothing to say.

I don’t know what it is, but the words aren’t coming.

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23 thoughts on “Blank.

  1. I can understand what you mean; it’s why I created the second blog from the law school one – I began to feel like I had to watch what I was saying. And truthfully, if you have to hold back from venting or saying what you want to say – then it’s not so much your blog anymore; it’s everyone else’s. You could make a new one, or you could start making things private. Whatever you choose, I’ll still read! ❤ but I keep my blog, Instagram and Twitter very Anon for that reason.

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    1. Woah, you make such a good point! That line was so simple but so powerful. This is MY blog, not anyone else’s. That’s for sure. Haha. I think there’s just a bit of external pressure that’s being reflected in my writing as well :/ None of it is a good time at the moment. Ha. Exam week. Kill me. Thank you though! Your comment has opened my eyes a little bit ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I know how you feel. On one hand, I want the whole world to know about it and come and read everything I write. On the other hand, I want it to be “private” and only want people I don’t know to see it. It’s usually hard for me to say “I have a blog” so it comes out as a whisper. Or if someone else brings it up I wind up blushing uncontrollably and changing the subject. Yet, I’ve just made a facebook page for it and added it to my business cards(that I’ve never given out). It’s a fine line to walk, this whole blogging thing.
    Thanks for sharing! =D

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    1. YES. I want everyone to read it because I want them to realise how awesome and freeing blogging can be, but at the same time I’m like “Nooo, go away”. Haha. Mixed feelings and mixed messages. This blogging thing really is a lot more complex than just finding a self-hosting website or creating a profile on an account. It really becomes a part of you, and it is scary as all hell to share that sometimes.
      No problem petal! Thank you for taking the time to comment! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

    1. This is true! I think I just need to focus on finishing the year strong (one week to go) and work on myself a little bit. I’m just frustrated because I would usually write about it as I go, but I’m feeling like I have to hide it a little bit…if that makes sense? I’m probably sounding like a completely mental person right now haha. Just realised that your blog is private now! I’ve requested access ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks girl! Access *granted* lol

        Yes, it makes sense.. It might be too much work, but maybe you could have a separate blog for all of your very private thoughts and ideas..? Idk, I definitely couldn’t keep up with 2 blogs but it might help that you can write whatever you want!

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        1. I thought something was weird when your posts stopped showing up in my reader! Haha. Click. Finally. Thank you!

          I did try making a separate blog earlier this year but I definitely couldn’t keep up with it :/ The good thing about WordPress is that you can put passwords on posts if you really, really want. I might end up doing that if I don’t really want people to read posts :/ They can still request the password and everything so it wouldn’t be the end of the world. Woo!

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  3. That’s honestly one of the main parts I hate about blogging. I feel the same way that I have to watch what I say sometimes mostly because people who know me read it. My Mom and other family members read my blog so of course I don’t say or post everything that I really do want to say. The guy I used to date would get offended all the time about what I put on my blog and that pretty much just sucked since it was my space and my feelings. Anyways, yeah that’s a hard part to balance about blogging, but one thing I love about your blog is your honestly and openness.

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    1. Yesssssss, I actually showed my mum my blog (goodness knows why) but I’m really paranoid about everything she could read now. Haha. (Hi mum). The thought of having her or my friends read stuff on here has definitely caused me to hold back a little bit. A girl above you commented one line that said “If you have to hold back from venting or saying what you want to say – then it’s not so much your blog anymore; it’s everyone else’s”. That made me go all “HELL NO” on the situation haha.

      This is my blog and I will definitely continue to be honest and open, but it might take me a while to get riiiiiiight back to the vulnerability that I had once upon a time. Thank you petal! I love your blog as well ❤

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  4. It is a tough one. Only one person knows about my blog who knows me off the internet and that’s only because I didn’t know add their blog to yours informs them! It’s a very personal thing on how much information you want to share with the world, as once it’s shared there’s no way of getting it back. As your friends all know about your blog, you will naturally hold back in case of offending or not wanting to share a private thought. Like the poster above says, setup a second blog if you are finding it’s not your blog but everyone else’s and you need to share thoughts and opinion that may go against the sway.

    You could always do a survey!! Why do you follow my blog? First question, do you know me in real life? Two: why do you follow my blog….etc! 🙂

    Given there is some very personal thoughts on my blog I keep my Anon. My second blog is completely private, as there is some real deep thoughts, ramblings and comments that I’m not keen on sharing. On day perhaps, but not at the moment.
    I follow your blog because I find what you say interesting, very well written and gives me an alternative insight into someone’s world who’s under the age of 30!

    Keep going,… 🙂

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    1. Yes, I figured that out too! I created a blog-roll thing on my old blog and you get a notification thing if someone mentions you! (Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t – it’s weird). I completely agree with what she said as well. That comment woke up something inside me and I’m all like “This is my blog, now hear me roar” sort of thing. I guess that’s a good thing. Haha.

      A survey is a good idea! I have tried to do them in the past but I never got much response haha. I might do that in the future though because I’m thinking of changing over to completely self-hosted or maybe even to Blogger. Dun, dun, dunnnnn. 😉

      I had an old blog of mine that was completely anon. but as the years went by I started revealing more and more parts of my identity…and here we are. Haha. Everyone and anyone can know anything and everything about me…which is good and terrifying at the same time.

      Thank you! I think I’m just at a bit of a “road block” at the moment, but I definitely won’t be stopping any time soon! 🙂

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  5. The same thing happened to me…athough I didn’t really “share” my blog…someone read it and said, “Wow…that kinda sounds like you…have you read it?” and then the Candy Jar was no longer as anonymous as I wanted it to be. I stopped writing awhile. But, that didn’t help. Keep writing. One day the blank will disappear and your writing will be a bridge between your different selves. It’s a good thing.

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  6. I was very skeptical about sharing my blog with people in my real life. People knew I had one and I talked about it all the time but nobody knew how to get to it. I shared it with my boyfriend and one other friend and I felt okay with that decision.

    A few weeks ago I decided to share the link on my Facebook and let the rest of the people in my life see ME. I figured, if people care enough, they’ll visit. They’ll probably also be grateful that I’m not spamming their newsfeed with my random rants so that’s a plus. I was in a state of panic for the first three hours. I kept reading over my posts making sure I wasn’t offending anyone, anxiously awaiting some commentary.

    A few people visited, others congratulated me and urged me to keep writing. For the most part though, I doubt more than 10 people clicked the link. At this point I realized that I didn’t care to filter my blog. It’s MY blog and it’s MY outlet and I was doing a damn good job before they got there and if they choose to continue reading it and being offended that’s on them.

    Anyways, don’t let this ruin your fun. You never know what you might learn about the people in your life by staying true to your words and capturing honest reactions from people!

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    1. The same thing has happened to me! A lot of people have congratulated me on this…but a lot of people haven’t even visited (I think). I agree with you though. This is my blog and my outlet, so I should be able to write whatever the hell I want to write!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I completely understand you… its almost easier to have hundreds/thousands of unknown readers read your words than to have 3–10 people you actually know read your blog.
    Once i found out that my sister and some people i knew read myblog i suddenly didnt want to write anymore. My words didnt come as easy, i had to overthink everything i wrote or posted. I couldnt just post something because i was angry, sad, had anxiety or just because i was super happy. The words couldnt flow freely… But at the same time it can be nice to have support from people you know, but its like you are exposing yourself, and you dont know how they react or think. You make yourself vulnerable online….

    However i have now learnt to forget about who reads my blog, i dont really care so much about the thousands who read my blog each day, or the few people i know who read my blog. Instead, i focus on what i want to write about… what message do i want to send. Or the words i need to write because of some strong emotion… i write for my sake, and forget about what others think. Because in the end, the blog should be for you… you should enjoy blogging, not dread it!!
    And i love reading all you have to say 🙂

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    1. Oh yes, I prefer having hundreds of random people reading my blog rather than a handful (or none now) of friends who know me personally. I am definitely overthinking things. I think I’m slowly starting to learn to not care about who reads/doesn’t read my blog, but it has taken a long, long time to get to that point. I have thought about making an entirely new blog more than once…then I remember how complex they are. Haha. No deal.

      Thank you petal! I love reading your blog as well 🙂 It is amazing. I should know, I’ve been following it for almost four years 😉 I love reading everything you have to say as well!

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  8. I’m on the same page as your right now. Blogging has turned into something so weird to me. I used to like to write my thoughts and share my heart, but now everything online feels so scripted and posed and like I have to keep up with that. I know I should still just follow my own path, but it’s so hard when I’m always doubting my words and worrying about what my family or friends that read it think…maybe just take a little break! I’ll miss your writing 🙂

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    1. Yes, it has been really difficult lately. I feel like I have so much to say but I don’t have the confidence to say it at the moment. Everything is just so “shfksfgkdsr” at the moment. I completely agree with everything that you’ve said though. I have been stepping back while I’ve been studying and it has been really nice. So nice that I don’t really want to come back…but I know that I’ll miss it too much if I “give it up” for good. I think this break is just what I need 🙂

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