I have been looking through this blog and my old blog, and I have noticed a vast difference in topics.
This blog is full of ‘fluffy’ pieces that are either ‘feature posts’ or link ups that I have joined. I don’t share a lot about my personal life. This is the total opposite of my old blog. Once upon a time, I was open and honest about my life, my relationships and any thought that ran through my mind. That blog was raw and real. It was me. I had nowhere to hide on that blog.
I miss being that honest.
I don’t know what happened when I moved to this blog, but I don’t like it. I wanted this blog to be somewhere that I can document my life and thoughts. I wanted this blog to be somewhere that I can be open and honest about my struggles. I wanted this blog to be somewhere to leave my memories.
I don’t feel like I’m doing any of those things, and this is something I’m going to change right now.
// I wrote about changing my enrolment within my university. So far, so good. It has been smooth sailing (more or less) and I really do feel like I’m on the right path. However, I am not without my uncertainties. Despite declaring my major, I do not have the ability to choose any of my own papers for the first year of study. I believe this is a blessing and a curse. It means that I’m being educated in areas that I would have overlooked, but it also means that I’m learning about things that I have no interest in. Marketing, for example, is something I wouldn’t have picked for myself and it is turning out to be a good paper. On the flip side, it still is not something that I’m overly interested in.
// I’m also suffering from a little bit of disconnection; not only from my papers within the university, but within my personal relationships. My first week of being back at university was great. I was excited to be there. I was excited to meet new people; to work with new people. These feelings could not be more at odds with my attitude towards this week. Simply put: I cannot wait for this week to be over. My mind has wandered in my lectures this week. I have not been present. I may have been there physically, but my heart and my mind have not been in it.
// My flatmate and his girlfriend made a lasagna. They then left said lasagna on the stove top while all of us went out drinking/partying. Guess what I did when I got home? I had a huge slice of it; cold, straight from the dish to my lips. It was beautiful. It was magical. It was everything that I have been craving and wanting for months now. I fell off the wagon. I well and truly fell off the wagon that night. Whoops. Nevertheless, I’m back on track now and my fridge is stocked with vegetables. My oops has got me thinking about reintroducing chicken to my diet. I’m not 100% sold on the idea yet but it is enough to make me salivate. Oh, sweet temptation.
// I am lonely. So lonely. I’m currently writing this post in the lounge; a room that is meant for people but I’m sitting here, alone. Don’t get me wrong, I love my living situation, and I am forever grateful for these lads for being open to living with a lass like me. However, I do miss the time spent with my friends. I miss getting ready for a night on the town. I miss relaxing in the lounge after a day at university. I miss conversation. I just miss feeling included.
// I’m over the dating scene. When done right, it can be fun. I spent my university break running around with a French lad who lived an hour and a half away from me. It was a good time. It was a frustrating time. I learned a lot about myself in that month or so. The main one being that I’m not ready to seriously date someone. I’m more than happy to go out for some drinks or to dinner but I’m not prepared to get into a fully fledged relationship. No way in hell.
// I really, really regret pulling out of study abroad. Oh, the regret is absolutely crushing me. I know that I made the right choice, but that feeling lingers like a bad smell. I’ve been looking into study abroad again. I have a lot more opportunities in the way of scholarships and other financial help within my new faculty. It looks like study abroad could be a viable option for this degree. I just have to pass two semesters. I’m keeping my fingers crossed.
Wow, that has been a long time coming. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. This ‘opening up’ thing is good.