Sex, love and marriage

Okay, I’m gonna get real serious on y’all for a couple of minutes then it’ll be back to my mindless rambling. Alright? Alright.

With Valentine’s Day coming up I’ve been thinking about all things romantic…ish.

No one can say that a drunken one night stand is romantic. Everyone {or most people I know} have that one night stand that they don’t want to remember/think about/talk about again. It’s like that person has died once the deed is done. No one dares to mention their name again. It becomes a taboo. Why?

Personally, my “first time” was with a mutual friend and yes, it was a one night stand. Do I regret my decision? To a certain extent – yes and no. I’m not a real believer in regrets. At one point it was exactly what we wanted to happen and if nothing else, we learn and grow from that experience. My first time was awkward and confusing and just a whole lot of hurt really. Guys – it’s painful. I think most of y’all will know what I’m talking about.

After my “first time” I had a string of one night stands and “sex friends” that never evolved into anything more than a friendship with benefits. Am I happy with this? Again – yes and no. When I was young, I found sex as a way of validation within society and used it as such. I felt validated every time someone tried to have sex with me. This is a cycle that occurred throughout my life. Attention = good, no attention = bad. I used to do anything possible to get that form of attention that I craved; whether it was dressing in tighter-than-usual clothing, smoking, drinking or doing drugs.

I was very lost for a long time and I needed to figure myself out. This “figuring out” has taken four long and painful years and I’ve finally had enough.

I have put my body through hell.

I have put my mind through hell.

I have put my heart through hell.

I have dragged my body over the train tracks and through burning flames enough to know that the result is always the same.

I get hurt. Time and time again, I get hurt.

To my friends it may not seem like I am hurting but it tears me up on the inside.

My fling with K was a prime example of having my heart shattered. That was self-inflicted though. I should have known better. That story was never going to have a happy ending but I fell for that lad and I fell hard. There are no words to describe how I felt (or feel) about him but if I had to put it into one, it would be ‘love’.

This leads onto my next topic: love.

I truly feel like I fell in love with him. It was beautiful, magical and frustrating at the same time. It is simply everything. I found everything I needed and wanted in a partner in him. It might (and does) sound silly but I could really see a future with him. It wasn’t a clear or defined future but hey, what kind of future is guaranteed? The only thing I wanted and needed was him…and he had to leave.

I have always been somewhat guarded when it comes to men…and everyone in my life. I choose to reveal parts of myself over time, like a lotus rising to the top of the pond, it takes a while to see the true beauty of who I can be. I am not a cold-hearted bitch. I am not a totally carefree spirit. I am not a shell of a girl. I am here. I am real. I am capable of emotions but I am broken. I am scared of showing people that ‘broken’ side of me. It takes a lot of trust and faith in a person for that to happen. When that happens, you know that you have won a real place in my heart.

Point is: I am in love with love. I want to feel it again. When I am ready.

I’ve always had a twisted view of marriage. A lot of people think that it’s a binding thing which can withstand the test of time. Occasionally, for the lucky few, this is the case. However, I come from a history of divorce. My mother divorced my father when I was five. She remarried when I was eight and then got divorced when I was twelve. Like I said, I don’t remember my mother’s ex-husband. My father got remarried when I was ten…and ten years later he is still married to her. Hallelujah. Finally, almost two months ago, my mother got married. Again.

While I am incredibly happy that both of my parents have managed to find happiness in another, a little part of me wishes that things could have been different. So sue me. These situations have effected me in a way that I cannot fully explain. There are times when I think that I don’t want to get married at all. After all, marriage is just a piece of paper and shared finances. There is nothing to say that the other person won’t walk away when the going gets tough. Call me cynical, call me naive, call me whatever you want – but you won’t change my mind.

Everyone I have ever cared about has left me.

I think that’s reason enough for me to be a little messed up.

Does that leave me a little bitter? Does that leave me a little cautious? Does that leave me with a hard edge?

Yes.

But I’m not made of stone.

One day these walls will tumble down. One day I will want to let someone in; all the way in. One day I will want to share my life with someone. One day I will be ready. One day.

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13 thoughts on “Sex, love and marriage

  1. The first time I had sex, I asked “… is it in yet?” because it didn’t hurt me for! He wasn’t small, he was average so to not feel anything (but on a regular basis, I can feel it), felt so weird to me. I didn’t bleed, it didn’t hurt, so I assumed the hymen or whatever it’s call broke somehow. I think he told me later on that it bruised his ego but he got over it, haha. But, there are some hook ups that I regret. Just pure regret, no lessons learned or anything because my mind wasn’t thinking straight from all the shit happening back then in my life. In a way, being with those guys sort of allowed me to escape but then I felt so dirty and ashamed.

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    1. Hahahahahahahahahaha. I’ve definitely had a couple of those moments! I’ve had to reaaaaaaaaaaally concentrate for a minute or two so I didn’t have to ask that awkward question! I didn’t bleed either though…which is good cause I was in my mum’s bed..LOL. I 100% agree with you. It seems like a good escape but at the end of the day it’s just bad, bad, bad. I know exactly what you’re talking about.

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  2. I completely agree with everything you have written about. Guys can really cloud your mind and make you feel things that are real and maybe aren’t real. It’s like this whole facade of things that over time you begin to see clearly. Plus it doesn’t help when your friends add their opinion on top of what you are already feeling. I’ve had many casual hook ups, which lead me to believe that the guy sees me as somebody different, somebody special, which results in feelings that I think are real…until he leaves and I am left broken. There is so much to deal with when it comes to love and sex and relationships, it can sometimes be so overwhelming.

    You pretty much put all my thoughts out on paper lol VERY well said.

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    1. Aw yay, I’m glad someone else does! Haha. Thank you :] I agree with everything you said as well! Guys are a whole lot of trouble and heartbreak and drama. Boo ;[ Can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em! Haha.

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  3. I happened to find your blog via a comment you made in another and stopped to read this. Yes I am a man who has been properly trained (that’s what my wife calls it) after 25 years of marriage. I think the one thing about marriage is the fact that it has become a piece of paper and no longer a life commitment. I like to say my wife and I have been divorced a thousand times but in the end always new we were meant to be together and work it out. Why? Because we made a commitment and we loved each other. I also wonder if I really know what love is, all I do know is when I think I could live without her and I have time away from her I know I don’t like it. She is now part of me and will always be. Don’t give up on marriage and when you are ready, make sure you are committed for life, not until the first or second frustration comes along, they will always come along, its how you deal with them that show you know what commitment is.

    Sorry, i went a little long with a comment.

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    1. Thank you so much for this comment. This is the exact kind of response I was looking for when I wrote this post. You are right though, a lot of people view it as little more than a piece of paper…Myself included at times. A lot of people I know are getting married {we’re in our very, very early twenties} and everyone is so excited about the wedding but hasn’t really thought about the proper marriage aspect of it…or so it seems. That’s what bothers me. I haven’t given up on marriage and I never will, I just wish that people were more committed.
      Never apologise for writing a comment – long or short – it will always be appreciated.

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    1. You definitely can’t! Haha. That’s something that is tried and true. Well, thanks! That really means a lot, especially since I’m just a girl who rambles about nothing in particular haha. It’s a good venting space. Any blog has the potential – it’s just a lot of work sometimes. Good work though, I enjoy it. I’m sure your blog will do brilliantly!

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