This is a term that I became familiar with this year and it is one that I have since fallen in love with. For those of you who are still unaware of this delightful term, here is the definition for y’all: used to metaphorically describe a difficult situation, as in hard schoolwork. The word struggle can also be used in conjunction with other modes of transport, describing the depth to which one is struggling(i.e. struggle scooter, struggle skateboard, struggle footwear).
Good ol’ urban dictionary can never steer you wrong ;] If you aren’t satisfied with that definition then you can click on the link above to read through all the other ones or search for other slang terms that seem to be pouring out of our mouths these days. We say the darndest things. Note: whatever you do, do not, and I repeat do not search for anything involving the word rust/y. Especially if your mind is still relatively clean. I do not want to be responsible for breaking you.
All jokes aside, it really feels like I have been struggling, failing and drowning in the last week or so. I have never, ever questioned my life decisions more than I have in this past week and I’ve occasionally felt like doing the exact same thing as Spongebob. Right now, I would like nothing more than to crawl into bed with a giant pot of coffee, a platter of sushi and a hot water bottle and to binge watch series of The Bachelor.
So why am I feeling like this?
✚ I think I have briefly mentioned how I was falling for my friend but his beliefs (amongst other things) were creating problems between us. Well, that has been solved once and for all. I went over to his place about a week ago for a good chat as I had some things that were weighing heavy on my heart…and mind…and soul.
Basically, I was just being crushed by too much thinking. Really. This “too much thinking” stemmed from a comment that he said which went something along the lines of not seeing a future. Yeah, not something you say if you are looking to date. Well, after that conversation we definitely cleared the air and decided that it was best to stop this thing whatever it was in its tracks and just remain friends. I haven’t talked to him in a week and I’m struggling y’all. Already. This is such a weird situation and I can’t really get my head around it.
✚ On Friday I decided to undertake a raw food diet as part of my food writing research assignment. All was going well, more or less, until Sunday when I was hit with a wicked stomach virus. Throwing up for the next ten hours (or so) was the absolute worst thing. I couldn’t keep water down and the last thing I wanted to eat was a damn banana so I broke the diet…which, you know, didn’t change the throwing up thing but at least I could eat whatever I wanted. Yay.
✚ I’ve been questioning whether or not this is the right degree for me to be doing. Linguistics. Yes, I love languages and I would gladly saw off a finger or two if it meant that I was instantly fluent in the best languages (Spanish/French/Latin) but I still don’t know what I want to do with it. Yes, I want to be a journalist but is a degree in linguistics really going to help me? I don’t know. Lately I’ve been thinking about going and doing a postgrad in communications or public relations. I know something isn’t right but I can’t put my finger on it. I’m nearing halfway through my degree and one could say that it is almost too late to turn back now. Whoops.
✚ This study abroad thing is still doing my head in. I just found out that the three compulsory papers for my major to qualify as my major are only being offered at the beginning of next year when I’m not in the country. Is that enough for me to cut the trip early? Hell yes. I am not too keen on adding a year and a half onto my degree. Does that mean that I might experience less? Well, yes, but I can always go back. Right?
✚ Assignments. You college students will know what I mean. By ‘college’ I mean university, by the way. There are only three weeks left until study week and semester finals but with no exams, I have found that the pressure is well and truly onnnnnnn. Struggle bus.
Why should I stop feeling like this?
★ Once this week is over, well, it’s gone. Hallelujah. With being sick and generally run down, I have had a lot of time to sit and stew about certain situations and whilst that has been happening a lot of uni work has piled up. I should be feeling better on Friday once I turn in my research assignment that I am now doing on sushi…of all things.
★ I am going to the beach on Friday afternoon. I am so grateful that I have a place that I can escape to. I have times that I need to just get out of the city, away from the pressure of constantly ‘being in touch’ with people and just be. Once I get away from everything and everyone I feel like I will gain a lot more clarity.
★ I actually got to this stage of study abroad applications. A lot of people don’t get this chance or they drop out. I should be humble and grateful but all I can do is complain. I am a horrible person.
★ At least I will still have my friend as my friend when all of this is done. Hopefully. I just miss him.
★ There are always second chances. No one said I was limited to one degree. No one said I was limited to just three years at university.
★ And best of all: all of this is just temporary. None of this is going to last forever. The stress will melt away. The friendship will pick itself up and dust itself off. The dust will settle. Deadlines will come and go. Bags will be packed, unpacked and repacked. Feeling is just about the best and worst thing ever but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
All of this just reminds me that I’m still alive.